Dot Net Monkey

A friends sent me some images using charts to represent songs, worth a chuckle

You never know when you've got to entertain kids with some shadow puppets...

Did you ever wonder why nerds aren't considered part of the cool kids club?

I think there might be some hints in this promotional video for Windows 386.  It's pretty much not worth watching before the 7 minute mark but then it flies into action when the production is taken over by crack-smoking monkeys!

BTW, Windows 386 was basically Windows 2.1.  If you are interested^* have a look at the History of Microsoft Windows over at Wikipedia.

^* Note: May I suggest you go back and have a look at the question I posed at the start of this post before proceeding

http://www.miguelcarrasco.net/miguelcarrasco/2006/10/blue_screen_of_.html

I love the inspiration poster... well actually, I love the piss take of the inspirational poster.

Despair.com set the trend, however these Star Trek Inspirational Posters do a good job too.

If this video of a hamster reminds you of work, then maybe it's time for a change...

He he he... Here is a funny take on a Waterfall Methodology seminar.

"Come to the Waterfall 2006 conference and see how a sequential development process can benefit your next project. Learn how slow, deliberate handoffs (with signatures!) between groups can slow the rate of change on any project so that development teams have more time to spend on anticipating user needs through big, upfront design."

The sessions I want to attend are:

• wordUnit: A Document Testing Framework by Kent Beck
• Refuctoring by Jason Gorman
• Testing: Saving the Best for Last by Lisa Crispin
• User Feedback: Eliminating the Main Cause of Project Overruns
• Upfront Design: If A Little Is Good, A Lot is Better

C'mon, you know you want to attend to... all the industry leaders will be there!

See you at Waterfall 2006

Check out this video of song from the group Tripod. Hilarious stuff!  If you are male and own some form of gaming console then I'm positive this song will hit home. 

Have a look.

Okay, I don't have a daughter - or any children for that matter - but if I did I'm pretty sure these would be the rules of the house. 

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of the date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without using a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with one of my little girls, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. You might have heard about her other two sisters, but you will not look. If you make her cry, I make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are sofas, beds, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and my old Army Field Jacket - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature power tools are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a middle-aged, gray-headed, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and a half acre behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to drift back a few years to my Army days and mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a hostile vehicle. Whenever I hear engines at night, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the weapons, probably as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Announce the perimeter password, relay in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Have a nice time!

Stolen from Jack Yoest's website.

Good ol' Google Videos presents: First man In Space - Skydiving from the edge of the world.   

Is this the face of sheer terror?  Me thinks so.

I love it when online auction houses get spammed by jokesters.  Have a look at the comments and questions at the bottom of this one.

Time machine for sale.pdf (124.87 KB)

Ring any bells for anyone?

Microsoft is providing a pretty cool service with the Encarta Instant Answers MSN Messenger bot.  Basically all you need to do is set up a new contact in MSN Messenger with the email address encarta@conversagent.com and then chat away asking questions.  Here is an example conversation (this cracks me up!):

Kym says:

hi

Encarta® Instant Answers says:

Hello.

I'm ready to help. Go ahead and type a request.

Kym says:

what is the speed of an unlaiden swallow?

Encarta® Instant Answers says:

What do you mean? An African or a European swallow?

Kym says:

african

Encarta® Instant Answers says:

Based on recent scientific studies, the average cruising airspeed velocity of an unladen African Swallow is roughly 11 meters per second, or 24 miles an hour.

That's awesome.

A friend of mine sent this little story about life in the 1500's. 

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn’t just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500’s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, and then the women and finally the children last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.”

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying “It’s raining cats and dogs.”

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying “dirt poor.” The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a “thresh hold.”

(Getting quite an education, aren’t you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, “Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.”

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show-off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could “bring home the bacon.” They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and “chew the fat.”

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or “upper crust.”

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a “wake.”

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a “bone-house” and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the “graveyard shift”) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be “saved by the bell” or was considered a “dead ringer.”

And that’s the truth… Now, whoever said that History was boring!!!

The upcoming release of Vista is looking like it will be a much more reliable product than any previous release of Windows, and for good reason too.  Check out this video to see what I mean.

10) "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9) "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8) "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"

7) "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6) "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5) "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4) "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3) "The coffee machine is broken..."

2) "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...

1) " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

Take a holiday.  Go over and have a look at the awesome art at Biro-art.